Seriously be Careful This 4th of July!

Seriously people...  If all else fails, just drop the fucking firework!

And try to avoid rednecks, they seem to have issues...







You thought your local Park District's fireworks are safe?  THINK AGAIN FOOLS!

And don't drink and drive!

God Bless America

Hilarious Picture #1

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.  Here is one of them.



Mark Cuban, Maverick's owner in case you were wondering...

Shit I am Tired and I Need Motivation

Too much late night drinking (thanks a lot Illini) and early work today to be creative whatsoever, so here's something motivational and awesome.

(apologies for the annoying fucking commercial... not exactly my decision, stupid hulu!)



Happy Monday

I Don't Really Give a Shit About What Charlie Sheen Has to Say

Honestly.  He isn't saying anything new, and he really just sounds like some teenage kid with a World of Warcraft account.  Melt your face?  Tools and trolls?  You're "winning"?  Yeah whatever dude, the year 2005 called and they want their e-lingo back.

If I want to witness wit, creativity and humor, I'll watch this guy every weekday night.

All this attention whoring dipshit (Sheen) is doing is saying the most off the wall, sarcastic crap wherever he goes.  Wooooow amazing!  I don't think he's taking these "interviews" seriously,  which I would be doing too and just making up random funny stuff.  I mean what is he doing on 20/20 anyway?  Have they completely lost their way?  I think Sheen is just doing this off the wall stuff to try to get people interested in the stupid shit he has to say so that these ignorant sheep will buy tickets to his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" show, coming to Chicago and Detroit April 2nd-3rd, the price to see Charlie Sheen say dumb crap in person?  Tickets start at $70 a piece. 

I'm not interested in celebrity gossip crap anyway, but when everyone starts talking about it when we have far more important issues such as the unrest in the middle east, our pathetic budget cuts (which coincidentally we started hearing about Charlie Sheen while this was just beginning), the disaster in Japan, Union busting in Wisconsin, "Mayor" Emanuel, and well the list is practically endless of more important shit than what some coked out man whore has to say.  Then again, the news just can't help turn themselves away from a train wreck, no mater how egregiously self propagating it may be.

The TSA is Making Propaganda Films Now?

What's up with all these train disaster movies lately?  Most recently a new movie called "Source Code" really caught my attention, it looks like its a total piece of crap about some sort of time travelling mystery bullshit, that needs to be solved before a train crashes into downtown Chicago.  Yay for Hollywood originality!  Then of course there's the especially terrible movie "Unstoppable" which the only reason people went to go see it is because Denzel Washington was in it.  Honorable quips also to "The Taking of Pehlam 123 (remake)", "Knowing", and "Final Destination 3".

The only explanation in my conspiratorial insane mind is that the TSA is providing funding for these films as a way to terrorize citizens into thinking train travel is unsafe.  You know how the government loves to scare people into thinking we need more useless government jobs and regulations that they don't seem to have the balls to ever get rid of them.  So yeah, these movies are basically a power grab to make train travel seem far more dangerous than it is and to scare the general public into believing that rail travel is unsafe somehow and it needs to be regulated in the name of "freedom".

The TSA currently doesn't do security searches for boarding trains, my guess is that they want to expand their influence (and budgetary requirements) via expansion into the passenger train sector.  So I really wouldn't be surprised if in a few years we have dogs sniffing my balls for bombs every time I get on a train, or some overpaid union idiot laughing while he takes a picture of my scanned body like this poor soul.  Not really sure what these scanners do anyway that the normal ass metal detector machines can't find.  I mean are people bringing guns and knives on planes?  You'd think a metal detector would catch that one...
 

And honestly, who thought this was a good idea anyway?  I mean do these clowns really want to make traveling by plane as uncomfortable as possible?  Its bad enough you have to take off your belt, your shoes, have them search through your entire cache of carry on luggage, take apart any electronics, then herd you like cattle to sit on a damn plane where you have to be the size of a malnourished Asian child labor camp survivor to be comfortable in the seat.  You can't do shit unless you are at cruising altitude, you can't smoke, you can't bring your own booze, you have to buy their shitty overpriced crap and to top it all off, your ears are popping every 30 seconds and babies are screaming while you are smashed between two fat fucks that wouldn't fit in a new F-250 pickup truck.

So, back to the important conspiracy theories!  I think these movies are just propaganda brought to you by your big ol' government that wants nothing more than to add a few more jobs where it can't fire anyone.  I mean seriously people, go to the airport sometime and count the fucking idiots with TSA uniforms on standing around doing nothing.  I would bet the actual people working is no more than one in eight.

That really has to be the only logical explanation as to why Denzel Washington would voluntarily do "Unstoppable" and Jake Jillenhall would do "Source Code" although I guess getting paid millions of dollars doesn't hurt, either.  Kind of like TSA employees (well, those in charge at least)!

OMG Blogging is hard

So I made this stupid blog just for the fun of it and if there's one thing I have learned is that blogging is practically a full time job!

What I mean by that is, I have a full time job, so when I get home I'm already pretty exhausted just from waking up 10 hours ago, and I really don't want to write about my day like how the 23 year old compliance Nazis are snooping around our office or how they are fucking me over on my pay or how the printer cartridge needed to be changed or whatever other inane bullshit happens during the day in your typical office space.

And plus, who likes to be "that guy" that only has work to talk about?  I fucking hate those people!

So I have a lot of respect for those bloggers out there that can balance a full time job or school, or momming or shopping or whatever the hell it people do all day, and blog.  I especially have a lot of respect for those bloggers out there that put new shit out at least twice a day.  God damn that must take a lot of fucking work because even this piece of shit rant is taking a lot of creative energy and I can't imagine putting out quality content twice a day.

So before I start to sound like some loser ass sports journalist that has to fabricate his own news because the real news is "too boring" I'm just going to stop before I really lose it.

Besides, Isn't blogging just speaking your mind anyway?  I mean its not like I really plan on showing this to my mother in law, or grandchildren or whatever.

Time for Some George Carlin

Not feeling so creative today so here is one of my George Carlin favorites.  "Religion is Bullshit"
Fucking hilarious and of course true.  RIP GEORGE!

So People That Drive in Chicago are Fucking Dickheads

So yeah I live in Chicago as you may have guessed (or not, because I don't think anyone reads this blog)  and I walk my dogs every day.  Its a battle to take them across a 4 lane road to piss because shithead motherfuckers like to attempt a left turn right when they get the green light before traffic approaches them.  Guess what fucknuts, there are people in this city that don't drive and like to cross the street without having to jump out of the way.  IT IS OUR RIGHT OF WAY you stupid fucks!


And what's the big fucking hurry?  Maybe if you didn't live in a shitty suburb where it takes you an hour and a half to get home you wouldn't be such a bitch!  And the most infuriating part of it all is that there is always a red light  immediately after you turn, so what you really want to get to that red light 10 seconds faster while risking the life of every pedestrian that attempts to cross the fucking street to get home where they live?  Eat a bag of shit and die you fucking selfish pricks.

So some asshole tried to pull this shit today and I let him have it. The best part was that his window was cracked open so I know he heard me nice and clear.  I knew it was gonna happen too because this dumb sorry fuck looked to be in an extra hurry.  He glances over at me waiting to cross the street, he makes sure that nobody is running a red light from his right, and guns it.  I jump in front of his stupid red Nissan Altima and ream his Anderson Cooper looking ass and scream to him,

"HEY!"
"QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE AND WAIT!"

His look of utter shock was nice when I stopped in front of him so he couldn't pass, and made the oncoming traffic stop so that they could watch me really have at it...



"WHATS THE BIG HURRY HUH?"
"YOU GOT A REALLY IMPORTANT RED LIGHT TO CATCH?"
"STOP BEING A DICKHEAD AND WAIT YOU ASSHOLE!"



wave middle finger, say "FUCK YOU" and exit stage left...

aaaaaah Relief!

I'm not feeling very creative today

Must be my brain is frozen from this crappy weather.

So when I'm feeling not very creative, I guess i'll just post something I find humorous
So here's a dumbass on a motorcycle... enjoy!  Apologies in advance for the music that sucks and really doesn't make any sense!

Hey Canada Take Your Air and Shove it EH

Today the wife, that's me, got to leave work at 2pm.  Fuckin HooRay.  I wanted to take the dogs to the park to play in the snow before it all turns to shitty gray mush but fuckin CANADA had to go and send its frigid air down to my lovely city and f-up my well intentioned plans.  Poor, poor dogs and of course, poor poor me.  Another winter with no exercise just like those fatty Canadians.

Actually now that I think about (or aboot) it, I bet most of those bastards to the way north are malnourished.  Its too damn cold up there to go out and buy food and apparently Sarah Palin is killing all their moose via helicopters so now they have nothing to eat except roadkill.  Boo fucking hoo that's what they get for sending us a shitty jet stream.

In conclusion Canada can keep Sarah Palin and Canada can go fuck a duck.

Regards,

The Bitch who married the dick that writes this shit.